


psyche revived

by orphan_account



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff, these kids deserve all the happiness in the world okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:55:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23433529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: connie visits steven for another one of their late night talk sessions and gets more than she expected.
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe
Comments: 22
Kudos: 224





	1. Chapter 1

Beach City is cold at night. 

Connie knows she should be home in bed, it’s almost midnight, after all. But years of sneaking out to visit Steven has made her crafty, and the guilt that used to eat away at her for going out after curfew is practically nonexistent. She dismounts Lion, and gives him an affectionate pat. Ever since Steven’s breakdown, Lion had rarely left his side. Lion licks the palm of her hand, and Connie breathes in the animal’s scent. It’s soft and subtle, just like a flower. If she’s not careful, Connie was certain she could fall asleep just by leaning on him. She carefully makes her way up the wooden steps, cautious of the soft spots in the wood. Even though the gems don’t sleep, she’s still strangely cautious of alerting anyone to her presence. She stops at the door and hesitates. 

It had been almost a month since Steven became corrupted. Connie knows that his physical form had long since healed, but she had yet to shake the nightmares of that awful day. Even thinking about it made her chest ache with an unbearable weight. Connie would lay asleep at night and wake up with a jolt, the traces of Steven’s heaving gasps and wretched sobs still lingering on the edges of her subconscious. Her therapist said that was normal, per se. While Connie didn’t divulge every little detail, her therapist had gotten the gist. Steven had a mental breakdown, witnessing it firsthand was bound to affect her in some way. It was normal to still be upset about it. 

Connie tries to reason with herself. It was late and she was being silly. All she had to do was turn the knob and step inside. And when she did, Steven would be waiting for her in his room, clad in his pajamas. No horns. No claws. He was fine… 

“Everything okay?” 

Connie nearly jumps out of her skin, her heart thudding painfully as she pivots on her feet. Her racing thoughts had drowned out all of her previous training, otherwise she would’ve already noticed Garnet sitting on the porch a few feet away from her. Steven had mentioned that Pearl, Amethyst and Garnet had taken to staying near him during the night. The nightmares had receded over time, becoming less and less frequent the more he began to heal. That didn’t deter them from continuing their nightly vigils over him, however. It reassured Connie to a certain degree, she wasn’t the only one still afraid. 

“Garnet!” Connie says, her voice low. “Um, sorry. Should I leave? It’s just...Steven called me and I sort of just...came over without asking if it was okay…”

“It’s fine.” Garnet replies simply, her voice, smooth like caramel, soothes the last of Connie’s anxiety. “He’s already waiting for you.” 

Connie gives the fusion a half-smile and a nod before disappearing into the house. Connie takes her shoes off at the door and glides across the floor and up to Steven’s room. He’s sitting up, the glow of his phone illuminating parts of his face as he scrolls through it. Connie walks over and immediately gets into his bed, pulling the covers aside and tucking them over her legs. 

“Hey.” Connie says, casual and friendly as if climbing into Steven’s bed in the middle of the night was something she did all the time. It was a new habit of theirs, visiting each other at random and sleeping in the same bed together. They always gave each other a heads up by text, and planned accordingly. It was a strange pull between them, a need to be as close as physically possible. 

Connie is certain it had something to do with Steven’s corruption. She’d hold him close and lace their fingers together as if she were afraid he would slip away from her in the middle of the night. Steven would wrap an arm around her waist and pull her close to his chest, clinging to her as if to ground himself to reality. Entangled in each other was a promise that neither one of them was leaving. 

“Hey.” Steven made room for her, setting his phone down. As soon as she’s comfortable, he takes her hand and intertwines their fingers. Hand holding wasn’t new for them, but Connie could never control the heat rising to her face, and she secretly delighted in the prospect of touching him. “Y’know, we could’ve just talked on the phone. You didn’t have to come all the way here.”

“I wanted to see you.” Connie replies, giving his hand a squeeze. “I was up anyway.” 

“Are you having trouble sleeping again?” Steven asked, the worry already creeping up in his voice. 

“Teenagers don’t sleep, Steven. You know that.” 

In the dark, Connie can’t see so much as feel Steven staring at her. “You know what I mean.”

Of course she does. 

“I was up reading.” Connie tells him. “I still have nightmares, but they’re not as frequent or intense.” normally, she’d never divulge this to him. She knew Steven had a tendency to apologize for things completely out of his control. If she mentioned her nightmares, he’d just take that as another thing to make up for. They were always honest with each other, and that honesty came with shouldering each other’s hardships. Connie was never one to bite her tongue. Steven wasn’t going to push her away. It was a hill they both had to climb, and straining upwards was always easier when they were together. “What about you?”

Steven shrugged. “I’m the same, I guess? I don’t know.”

“Talk to me.”

Steven lays down and tugs at her hand, motioning for her to do the same. Connie sinks into the mattress, turning her head to look Steven in the face. 

“Well, it’s just...sometimes sleeping is really hard, you know? I can fall asleep pretty easily, but there are times when I wake up and my body hurts.” 

Connie’s eyebrows furrowed together. “What do you mean?”

“Well...the uh, the corruption was pretty painful. It was a lot of stress on my body.” Steven explains. “I can heal myself, and I don’t feel it often. But when I do, it sort of throws me for a loop. It should go away with time.” The bottom has dropped out of Connie’s stomach. Seeing Steven corrupt had been frightening, but she never imagined that it would hurt as much as he said it did. She thinks back to his towering form and the way he trashed around, clawing at the ground and hitting his head. 

Of course the pain ran deeper, how could she not have noticed? All Connie can mutter is a small. “Oh.” Then, “are you okay now?”

“I’m fine!” Steven says, and he’s genuine. “I’m doing okay, I’m making good progress in my therapy sessions. I’m with you.” he blushes at that last statement. “I think I’m okay, Connie. For like, the first time in a long time. I’m okay. The pain is just...I mean, it’s not great, but it won’t kill me. I can handle it, y’know? I won’t die from this.” 

Connie thinks back to the hospital. The knot inside her stomach loosens ever so slightly. He sounds so...confident, so self-assured. If Steven said he was going to be fine, she would believe him. 

“That’s good. I’m happy for you, Steven.” 

“There’s something else I wanted to talk to you about. Well, two things.”

Connie turns on her side to get more comfortable. “I’m listening.”

“I was thinking of getting a dog? Lion has been a great help, but I can’t take him everywhere with me. Getting a dog would be more convenient, and I think it would really help…”

“A dog?” Connie gasps, starry-eyed. She waves a hand apologetically. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt but that sounds great! You should go for it!” 

“Really?”

“Yes. There are a lot of benefits surrounding therapy dogs and mental health. I know you’ve been thinking about traveling the States, a dog would be a lot easier to fit in the back of your car than Lion would.” 

Steven visibly relaxes and grins. “Okay, cool. I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I’ll take it up with dad the next time I see him.” 

Connie fishes her phone out of her pocket and checks the time. It’s almost two in the morning. “What was the second thing?” she asks, her mind already wandering to the thought of a dog walking around the house. Connie was never allowed to have pets growing up. Her mother was staunchly against anything that shed and left hair on the furniture. Steven doesn’t answer. “Steven?”

“Okay, so, if I make you uncomfortable we can just forget the whole thing. I’m not saying this to make things weird. I know we’re supposed to communicate with each other and express our needs and all, but this is different? I just don’t want--”

“Steven.” Connie cuts through his embarrassed rambling softly. “What is it?” 

“Can..” She can audibly hear him take a deep breath before plowing forward. “Can I kiss you?” 

Connie’s eyes widen, and she’s pretty sure her heart stops momentarily before starting back up again. The seconds tick by before she finds her voice. “You want to kiss me?” 

“Um, yes?” 

Part of Connie is torn between squealing in delight and burrowing under the covers to hide her flaming face. She had wanted this for how long? In her deepest fantasies, she had always envisioned her first kiss with Steven. For a moment, she battled with the prospect of asking him out. What with everything that happened, the timing just never seemed right. The last thing she ever wanted was to rush them into anything they weren’t prepared for. The thought that Steven wanted to kiss her, possibly as much as she wanted to kiss him, made her light-headed in the best way. 

Connie doesn’t think before she moves. Her body just pitches forward and her brain scrambles to catch up. It’s awkward, their foreheads collide, and Connie pulls back. She bites her bottom lip, her earlier bravado smothered to death. But Steven snorts and laughs, and she can’t help but snicker as well. They try again. Steven reaches out to cradle her face and their next kiss is much smoother. 

It’s gentle and soft, igniting a heat in Connie that travels across her bones. There’s a sun inside her stomach. Hands trembling, Connie grasps onto the front of Steven’s shirt, needing something to hold onto. His fingers glide into her hair and the world bursts neon as he tightens his grip in her hair, firm, but not enough to hurt. Connie is weightless, gravity doesn’t apply to her anymore. Connie had always envisioned her first kiss, with varying scenarios. Some were dramatic, fueled with adrenaline after another space related battle, growing from sparks to a flame. 

Others were romantic and epic, under a blanket of stars on the top of Steven’s car. He’d whisper sweet words to her in that low rasp of his, the one that made her legs turn to sea foam. That particular kiss would be sweet and slow, she’d simply melt into it the way they’d fuse into Stevonnie. Gradual and otherworldly. For all of her logic, Connie never pictured it would be _this_ , direct and burning. A yellow splash of joy. 

Steven pulls back after several glorious moments, the two of them gasping. He softly pulls his hand through the strands of her hair, dazed and blushing down to the roots of his hair. Connie can’t look away from him. 

“That was really nice.” she whispers. Steven licks his lips, a harmless movement on his part, but Connie can’t help the fireworks going off in her chest. 

“Yeah, it was.” he replies, that beautiful rasp in his voice. Stars above, she was going to die. He moves away from her and her skin feels cold. “I think we should get some sleep.”

Connie nods. “Alright.” It’s the only thing she can think to say. Yes, sleep sounded wonderful. She was electric and exhausted. 

Steven falls asleep minutes later, still wrapped around her like an extra blanket. Connie, however, can’t fall asleep. The notion seems almost ridiculous. She pulls the blankets a little tighter around herself, eyes to the moon that sits above the twinkling ocean. Connie presses her fingers to her lips and wonders if she’ll ever sleep again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my first connverse fic! i'm quite happy with it, and i hope you will be, too. please tell me what you think and enjoy!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things begin to get complicated, as all relationships do. it's up to steven and connie to confront themselves and each other if they want to get through the storm in one piece.

A month into their relationship and things hit a snag.

It started when Connie was studying in her room. She usually studied at her desk, but Steven had wanted to be close to her and he couldn’t exactly do that when she was sitting in a chair. Connie held out for as long as she could, but Steven only had to give her puppy eyes and she folded like a deck of cards. 

So there she was, a history book propped up against her knees as she leaned against her bedroom wall, her back propped up by pillows. Steven was laying near her legs, scrolling through his phone for music to play. Occasionally, he would brush his fingers against her ankles, his hand trailing up her leg only so far before making its descent and moving away. There was no ulterior motive or intent behind it, Steven was always touchy-feely like that. The action was so simple, a mere hand against her ankle, but Connie reveled in it. By nature, she was never really physically affectionate, a result of her parents who were exactly the same. Hugs weren’t _rare_ , per se, but they weren’t common either. 

Meeting Steven had blown all of Connie’s previous conceptions about physical affection out of the water. He hugged her with abandon and laced their fingers together just because he could. Connie used to freeze every time Steven wrapped his arms around her, now she sank into it with relative ease. It was easy to get used to when they were preteens, but things got a bit more...complicated as they grew into their teenage years. Because Connie could feel her heart pick up speed whenever Steven’s arms wrapped around her waist. It was a different type of thrill altogether. 

She vaguely wondered if she was doing this whole _girlfriend_ thing right. Weren’t girlfriends supposed to be touchy and flirty? Connie didn’t really flirt all that much, and she didn’t initiate physical contact. In fact, ever since they started going out, nothing about her had changed at all. The only big difference was the fact that they kissed more often. And Steven was always the one to kiss her first. 

Connie can’t focus on her history work, despite how hard she tries. She ends up reading the same sentence over and over. The chapter isn’t a long one, but it seems to last forever. 

“You’re frowning.” Steven notices, because of course he does, and Connie sighs. “D’you want to take a break?”

“I really should finish this chapter.” Connie says. It’s important that she finish her studies. She can’t afford to slack off, no matter what her parents say. 

“I thought you were supposed to take it easy?” Steven sits up on her bed and faces her. “You’ve been looking pretty tired, no offense.”

“No, you’re right.” Connie sighs and closes her book. “I’m sorry, we’re supposed to be spending time together and I’m busy reading.”

“That’s okay, that still counts as spending time with each other.” Everything was so simple with him. “I like watching you read. You get this really concentrated look on your face. It’s cute.”

Connie feels heat rising to her face. “You’re sweet, Steven.”

“Sweet enough for a kiss?” Steven raises his eyebrows and leans in close to her. This is what gets Connie, how easily Steven can ask for those things, even when he was joking. Connie never asked for a kiss, part of her never felt brave enough. She briefly wonders if perhaps she’s over thinking this entire thing and nods at Steven’s request. Steven leans in and the kiss between them is honeyed and slow. There’s a buzz in her bones, the sun returns and a familiar warmth overtakes her. Connie doesn’t register the room glowing pink because she has her eyes closed, it’s only when Stevonnie forms does she sigh. 

“It happened again!” Stevonnie says, caught between a groan of frustration and laughter. Stevonnie always came into existence with laughter bubbling in their chest. It was pure unadulterated joy. Even in the midst of battle, the love and peace thrummed in their veins. “Can you believe it?”

“Well, that’s normal by now, isn’t it?”/ “I guess? I just wish we could control it.” Stevonnie lays the history book aside and spreads their long legs out, sliding down until their head hits the pillow. “Doesn’t it bother you?”/ “Honestly? No. I like being Stevonnie.”

“Would you still want to fuse a year from now?”/ “....Where is this coming from?” Something strange fills Stevonnie, they wring their hands together. 

“I mean, sure it feels great. It feels wonderful but...sometimes I want to experience you without fusing.”/ “I understand that. But I guess it’s just one of those things we have to deal with.” There’s a pause, Stevonnie’s fingers pull at their hair in exasperation.

“Yeah, but it’s not...normal!” 

The pink flush rushes in like water and they unfuse in a very undignified heap on Connie’s bed. The mattress creaks loudly under their combined weight, and Priyank’s voice filters from downstairs. 

“Is everything okay up there?”

Connie sits up, panicked. It would be so weird if her mom and dad caught Steven practically laying on her stomach. “Everything’s fine, mom!” she calls back, nervously fiddling at her hair even though her mother wouldn’t be able to see it anyway. Steven quickly removes himself from her, and Connie watches as the last traces of pink diminishes from his skin. “Steven?” he doesn’t answer for a moment before he sighs and flops onto his back like a sack of laundry, eyes to the ceiling.

“I’m sorry.” he says. “It’s nothing, really.”

It starts like that, and the small snag turns into a tangle. Ever since the moment in her bedroom, Steven had been pulling away from her. Connie sees it a mile away, and she tries her best to stop it. It was a habit of his that she knew he wouldn’t be getting over in a single month. It took a while to start prioritizing your feelings when you’ve spent practically your whole life pushing them aside for others. 

Connie gets back into her studies, but she finds her mind wandering, going over their last conversation. She knows for a fact that Steven had been vying for normalcy, a life that didn’t exist around being half-gem. She guessed that them kissing and fusing every time they did so was just a reminder of something he didn’t have. He was a hopeless romantic, and the fact that he couldn’t take certain steps in their relationship without fusing must be frustrating for him. Yet another normal human thing permeated by magic. For Connie, she loved being Stevonnie. Stevonnie was confident and charming, they didn’t care about being awkward because they _weren’t_ awkward. Tall, graceful, beautiful. Connie didn’t have to worry about the specific details of being a girlfriend and all that it entailed when they fused. They were together in the most literal sense, and she didn’t have to overthink herself to death. So Connie knew what the problem was and tried to approach it logically.

If only it had been that easy. 

The thing was, Steven was reluctant to talk. Connie knew that approaching the subject of his gem would have to be taken with caution. It wasn’t very often that Steven turned pink. He had gone through the initial rocky period of turning pink nearly every day on account of his emotions being dragged up during therapy. Steven had to confront some very painful memories and feelings, so it was only natural that him turning pink would be a frequent occurrence. Connie had been there as much as she could, knowing when to give Steven space and when to push him when he needed it. 

Eventually, he had come to terms with everything. It wasn’t easy, but he had gotten better at communicating his needs and feelings instead of letting them fester. He had long talks with his dad and the crystal gems, and Connie could see something different radiating from him. A peace. A comfort. He was healing. But there were times when he reverted back to his old ways, and this was one of them.

Connie wasn’t sure how to approach the situation. She spent many a night gazing at the ceiling instead of sleeping, going over what she would say when they saw each other. The timing never felt right, and the words never came out properly. She always ended up fumbling over her words or confusing Steven, which only frustrated her more. What was wrong with her, why did everything have to be so difficult?

Their conversations were short, their texts even shorter. As Connie’s work piled up, she saw less and less of Steven. Her initial plan to talk to him gradually fell by the wayside. It wasn’t until she was sitting at her desk copying notes when the realization slammed into her like a wave from the ocean. Connie set her pencil down and checked her phone immediately. How long had it been since they last talked?

It had to have been at least two weeks. Connie thinks back, counting the days on her fingers. They were on the beach, she remembers that. It was relaxing, Connie was reading aloud to him a book she used to read when she was younger. It was about a brave mouse and a piece of red thread. Connie loved fairy tales. When her curfew was dawning, she closed her book and stood up. 

Steven had driven her home despite Connie telling him she could just hitch a ride from Lion. He insisted, stating that he wanted to spend just a few more moments alone with her. When he pulled up to her house, Connie had plucked up enough courage to try and kiss him, but the minute she got close, Steven had pulled away. He apologized about a hundred times, and through the many stuttered apologies, he tried to explain himself. Connie understood what he was trying to say. He didn’t want to kiss her. Connie wasn’t too upset by that, and left with a goodbye. She didn’t think anything of it at the time. They didn’t have to kiss everyday, right? 

Connie groans and runs a hand through her hair. Gosh, she was so stupid. Steven never missed out on a chance to kiss her. Him rejecting her _meant_ something, and Connie didn’t even see it. She had promised herself that she wouldn’t let her workload pile up so much that she forgot to breathe. She couldn’t relax for the life of her, and she had forgotten about Steven in the process. Her phone buzzes, and everything aligns when she sees a text from Steven. 

A single butterfly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was initially supposed to be a one shot but i can't stay away from these two. i wrote this at 2 in the morning so i apologize, i know it's not very long. chapter 3 will be the last chapter, and should be up sometime during the week.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> steven and connie reveal some things, and reaffirm to each other what's really important.

Connie Mehaswaran has always been a strong girl. 

Even when she was shy and lonely and always had her nose in a book, there was a sort of steel inside of her, something she must’ve inherited from her mother. Connie would walk the halls of her school, friendless and sneered at and misunderstood, but her head was always high. She’d cry into her pillow at night, muffled so her parents wouldn’t hear and she’d wake up the next day just to do it all again. It took Connie a long time to realize that she wasn’t being weak, it was bravery in the making. 

There was something brave in falling apart and facing the world with your shoulders squared the next day. Remaining kind in a world full of cruelty was something to be proud of, not looked down upon. Connie has faced near destruction and death countless times. She stared White Diamond in the face and watched as said Diamond ripped her best friend in two. Connie remained brave through it all. 

How she kept going, Connie doesn’t fully know. But she’s certain it has to do with her immense love for him. She never goes into detail, she barely admits it to herself, but she loves him. She loves him so much it makes her head dizzy. They met when she was a lonely girl reading on the beach and she’s never been the same. So now, as she runs to Steven in the rising afternoon, Connie must summon her bravery again. That’s a little hard to do, because her knees are weak and her heart is galloping. That simple butterfly has seemingly destroyed all of her progress, because Connie remembers the last time Steven sent her a butterfly through text. That was the night she had listened as Steven sobbed his way through a rant. He was crying so hard that Connie had to strain to hear what he was saying. 

He had cried about how he wasn’t deserving of forgiveness, that nothing about him would ever be normal. He mourned over the normal childhood he never got to have, how Greg and crystal gems failed him at every turn. He still had terrible thoughts about White Diamond, and sometimes he’d look into the mirror and a monster took his place. That was a long night, just one of many. Steven had exhausted himself and Connie held him, unable to care about her curfew or the heaps of trouble she would get into when her parents would inevitably find her missing. 

The butterfly makes an anxious knot coil in her stomach that doesn’t loosen until she arrives on Steven’s porch and enters the house. It’s quiet, but the atmosphere is heavy. Connie steps fully into the house, sweating and panting. “Steven?”

“Connie?” he responds, not a moment later. He doesn’t sound strained or on the verge of crying. That was good. “I’m in my room.” 

Connie doesn’t think to take her shoes off before going to his room. Steven is sitting on his bed, and Connie notes that there’s no pink tint to his skin. 

“Hey,” Connie greets, trying to summon a smile. She tells herself to be brave. “Everything okay?”

Steven puts his phone away. “Yeah, sorry. I was sort of panicking earlier today when I sent you that text. But I’m fine.” 

Connie almost sags in relief, but her eyes catch one of his hands that grips at the gem on his navel. He was lying. 

“Are you sure?” Connie says. “You know you can always talk to me, Steven.”

He doesn’t miss a beat. “I’m really okay, Connie.” 

At this, Connie puts her hands on her hips, feeling sweat bead along her brow. “Steven, I did not run practically all the way over here just to go back home.” Something in her voice causes Steven to look vaguely guilty. She wasn’t trying to snap at him, but she’s sweaty and tired and she won’t take no for an answer. Connie had been meaning to talk to him anyway, and she wasn’t going to let him put up a front. They had seen too much of each other and been through too much together for lies at this point. 

Steven sighs, and he seems to sink into the bed. He finally seems to register her winded appearance and pats the area beside him. Connie gratefully sits down and turns to him expectantly. 

“I know I’ve been avoiding you,” he begins. “I’m sorry, really. I just...I’m not…” he pauses and runs a hand over his face. “I don’t know what I’m saying.”

“Keep going.” Connie encourages. “I’m listening.”

“I don’t like it when we fuse.” he says, and the words are caught somewhere in his throat, as if it takes physical effort for him to get them out. Something cold and dark dips in Connie’s spine, spreading slowly through her entire body. It’s a horrible winter frost, her blood is snow. 

_ “What?” _

“Not always!” Steven hurries. “That--I worded that  _ horribly,  _ I’m sorry. What I mean is, I don’t like it when we kiss and we fuse.” he takes a breath and starts again. This time, his words flow a lot easier. “Before, being Stevonnie was the only thing I wanted. Being a permifusion would mean that you never had to leave and those dark feelings I had before would just...go away, temporarily. But just because we’re Stevonnie that doesn’t change how I feel. No matter how happy and light I feel when we fuse, those negative thoughts and feelings are always there somewhere. 

I know you feel them, too. Sharing a body means sharing emotions, and I’m afraid that I’ll...taint you, somehow, with all of my trauma and problems.”

“Steven,” Connie breathes, that familiar tightness in her chest. “You know that’s not true.”

“I know!” his fingers move into his hair and tugs. “It sounds….irrational. But it’s still a fear I have.” 

“When we fuse, I do feel your emotions. But no matter how terrible you feel, it’ll never be enough to drive me away. The trauma will always be there, but it won’t feel as suffocating or as intense as time goes on. But on the days when it does feel like that, when it gets to be too much, you just have to trust yourself; and you have to trust me. You’ll fall apart sometimes but you’ll be strong enough to pull yourself together again. I’ll be there, Steven. I’ll always be there.” 

There’s a silence that lapses between them. But Connie knows there’s something else still unsaid between them.

“I know.” Steven responds, and Connie arches an eyebrow. 

“But.” 

“But what?”

“There’s a ‘but’ in there somewhere, Steven. I can feel it.” 

Steven gives a sigh, and this one sounds more frustrated and exhausted. “I didn’t kiss you in my car last time because I didn’t want us fusing. But it’s not because of my negative feelings, it’s because it isn’t normal.”

“Is that such a big thing? No offense, Steven, but nothing about us has been normal since the first time we met.”

“That’s the problem!” Steven huffs, exasperated. He throws his hand up. “I didn’t have a regular childhood. I’m just  _ now _ starting to re-learn how to be around human beings and act like a normal person, and...I’ve made progress, y’know? I’m doing a lot better than I used to, but I can’t help but feel angry sometimes. I’ve had a destiny thrust on my shoulders since the day I was born, and I didn’t really have any say in it. Now that I’ve liberated space and saved the world and nearly died  _ countless _ times, for once I just want to experience something that regular humans can, and I can’t!” 

“Steven…”

He turns to her then, and something in his gaze silences her. “Connie, do you know how long I’ve been wanting to date you? You're magnificent, and I’m a hopeless romantic. Dating you is like, one of the best things in my life right now. But it’s going to frustrate me when I try to kiss you and we fuse into Stevonnie every time. I mean, eventually, aren’t you going to get tired of that?”

“Of course not!” Connie says, a blush to her face. She’s trying to keep her expression neutral, but that’s really hard to do when Steven is looking at her like  _ that _ , with intensity burning like the first spark of a roaring fire in his eyes. His words are laced with hunger. That look fades into something disbelieving. 

“Connie, you’re gonna be okay with that for however long we date? Won’t you get frustrated?”

“I’m telling you that I won’t.”

“I don’t believe you. I’m sorry, but I really don’t.” 

“We don’t always fuse when we kiss. We didn’t the first time in your bed that night.”

“That just proves my point! I can’t really control it. It’s different when we both decide to fuse by choice, but when we dance or kiss...when we connect without really thinking...it just happens. And it really sucks, knowing that no matter what I do nothing can really be normal for me. It’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted.” 

Steven grows silent, and Connie doesn’t know that to say. Her dark eyebrows are furrowed together, and she sits, musing over everything he’s told her. She can practically feel the anxiety buzzing off him like an electric current, and reaches out to take his hand. 

“Okay.” she says, and meets his eyes. “Okay. Well, that does suck, Steven. I’m never going to say that it doesn’t. You deserved a normal childhood just like anyone else, and it isn’t fair that you’ve been devoid of that for so long. It’s not fair that all the adults in your life have basically failed you when you needed them most. But...dwelling on the unfairness of it all is going to drive you crazy.

This is just...another spoke in the wheel. This is just another thing that you have to learn to accept and come to terms with. I don’t think you’ll ever get over it, but you can get through it the same way you’ve gotten through anything.” Connie frowns, and she flops over onto his bed, her hair curtaining behind her. “I’m sorry, Steven.” 

His hand tightens in her grip. He doesn’t speak for a moment or two, but then, in a voice thick with emotion, his words are small. “Don’t apologize. Things just...suck right now, y’know? But that actually kind of helps, Connie. I--thank you.” 

“Of course.”

Steven sits up so quickly that Connie does the same. She doesn’t have time to react before he’s kissing her. Connie’s initial insecurities about being a proper girlfriend seem miles away. It almost seems silly, in a way. What did she have to worry about when Steven kissed her like this? As if he was never going to see her again. Insecurities and butterflies be damned. Connie was a girl with iron blood and a soft heart. 

She deserved Steven Universe, and he deserved her. 

They pull away, and Steven’s hand in her hair again and the soothing action of his fingers scratching lightly at her scalp makes her bones feel like molten lava. Connie bites her lip and smiles. 

“What is it?” Steven asks.

“We didn’t fuse.” she replies, and Steven blinks. 

And then he laughs. It’s wild and light, bursting to the seams with a happiness from somewhere deep inside him. 

“Yeah...yeah, I-I guess we didn’t.” his laughter dies down, and his expression grows serious, a look of worried resignation. 

“Just another spoke in the wheel.” he murmurs, and Connie nods. Her eyes are sad and sweet. 

“Another spoke in the wheel.” she echoes. Steven’s hand slides from her hair to cup her face and Connie takes that hand. She drags it gently to her mouth, kissing his palm. Her actions are slow but her heart is wild. She kisses his palm again and Connie hopes Steven can feel the intent behind it. The love and the care. When she speaks again, her voice comes out small and determined. 

“But we’ll get through it. We always do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> coming to terms with your trauma and the people who attributed to it (be it directly or indirectly) is super hard. realizng that you have to accept the hurt that's been done to you and try to move past it is even harder. i really wanted to emphasize that in this chapter with steven, i hope i did a good job.
> 
> and it's done! i hope you all liked it! i literally re-wrote this almost five times and i still don't feel totally satisfied with it. the dialogue feels like it jumps from place to place, idk. this chapter also feels sort of short? i tried to make it longer but i couldn't, and i feel like perhaps this shorter chapter is okay. it wraps everything up and that's what i wanted. but anyways, please tell me what you think and thank you so much for reading until the end!


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